I think part of the solution - like a lot of things - is found at the library. I suffer from a similar problem: I work remotely but am childless and so society is not built for me. I have created some part of community through activities, but local community outside of saying "hi" to my neighbors when I walk my dog is something I want to focus on this year.
Back to the library: my library has activities for kids, teens, and adults, of all kinds. Book club. Anime nights. A seed library. Yoga class. Line dancing class. Robot building. (You get the idea.) I think a first step is inviting people you know to do the thing with you. If they don't show, no big deal, you have a chance to meet local people there. Visit your library enough and people start to recognize you.
I do think part of community is showing up. I think it can start with being seen.
Heck yes! The library is truly one of the best resources for community, and a great, welcoming place to start for folks who feel lost. Glad to hear it’s been a fruitful place for you to build relationships!
Yes! I felt so seen by this. I literally tried organizing a last minute, low-key hang out this morning with some local women from church. It felt so vulnerable to ask a group thread and have everyone respond that they already plans. (Makes me want to crawl in a hole and not try again, but I know that's not the way forward.) We do plan things over a month or so in advance and people have or make space for it. I do wish things could happen quickly, on the fly, organically -- but that's not always the case...life is so FULL for some families. Thank you so much for this post!
The problem of being isolated when you have children also happened before social media. But people used to interact with neighbors more, so they felt less isolated. So there was an easy casual sense of being around people, but low commitment. I find the best way to achieve what you’re looking for is with sewing/crafting/gardening groups. Or maybe any hobby. You get together on a Saturday afternoon and do some hand sewing, knit, or just color. Maybe once a month. You can do this in a coffee shop, or at somebody’s house. The craft or hobby relieves the social pressure to make small talk. I found groups on discord in my area. I’m sure FB has some. It’s been huge for me as a single, older person with Long COVID to make casual friends.
Yes! This really struck a chord with me. One additional challenge to showing up is that, given the allure of online (and tv before that), fewer people are showing up in general, which makes things less fun. Wendell Berry talks about how people in his Kentucky hometown used to “visit” with neighbors after dinner— just wander across the field and hang for a while, let the old folks tell the same stories while the kids ran around. When my wife and I started going for walks after dinner in our neighborhood twenty years ago, all we’d see coming out of houses was the blue light of the TV.
Yes, I think this is so true! The way apps and streaming services are designed to keep us hooked and addicted is absolutely a barrier to showing up in real life. They capitalize on the inertia/vulnerability/discomfort many of us already may feel when we're trying to connect and build relationships with people, because that work is hard! But bingeing and scrolling are easy. I kind of miss the days when, if I wanted to watch my favorite TV show, I had to sit down in front of the TV at 8pm, and that was it. Then if I wanted to do something else, I'd either have to pick up a book or find someone to hang out with.
Thanks for sharing! I’ve been living on the edges of my community for the last 5 years. I lost faith in humanity during COVID and then was burned working in public service for county government so I got very scared of meeting new people. But recently I’ve been getting back out there, networking for both business and personal and potentially advocacy purposes. So maybe there’s just seasons for things.
Oh man, I think we all lost a little faith in humanity during COVID, right?! Sounds like you’ve had a tough few years, but I totally agree that there are seasons to our sense of community. It ebbs and flows, and maybe we just need to give ourselves (and others) a little more grace and patience as we try to get back into the flow.
Thank you for this. As a person who gathers folks and has gathered at a large scale, I have been wiped out by it and don’t feel inside it (it feels like a job and checklist not something I feel present in)but I crave community. I am inspired by this to create more intimate gatherings with more intention and real feel of connection. Thank you for putting into my feelings into words.
It’s funny, as someone who is far more often an attendee than a convener, I tend to assume people who plan gatherings are energized and fulfilled by it. This is a good reminder that those of us who don’t usually perform the role of gatherer need to step up, or at least play a better support role. Because I know you’re tired, friend! Maybe 2025 is the year of super chill, low-stakes, joyful hangs… while we also plan a revolution?
Right?! We could really use a gathering space that’s open, welcoming and, ideally, doesn’t require people to buy anything. Our library and parks are great, but at least right now, don’t quite seem to fulfill the socializing and getting to know people part of community building.
Circling and circling this concept in my mind. Is there space at the Forest Preserve District headquarters on Harlem? Are there church basements that would feel welcome to all? What about vacant store fronts? Would the village get behind that? What would anyone get behind? Would this need to be a non-profit type thing to open doors and feel legitimate in order to drive cooperation and incentivize participation? What would organically bring people in to foster the “getting to know people part of community building?” And beyond just get the people out and about to stop by. As you noted so many of us are in a post-covid safety bubble and quite content to not venture out. What would inspire the uninspired? I think we instinctually long for the days the community would gather around the fire. Or circle the village square on market days trading stories as much as wares. Grasping at ghosts here. Our modern culture has perfected the multifaceted art of isolation.
Yeah, church basement definitely feels like the vibe I'm thinking of. Something simple and old school. Something that doesn't require permission from the Village or the creation of a formal entity, which often then leads to gatekeeping. But it's a good question - what would really draw people in? I think the tough thing is there's probably no one right answer, but I would also guess if the gathering itself was welcoming and enjoyable, the venue probably wouldn't matter as much (though having it at least be ADA accessible would be ideal). I've been struggling, too, to figure out what it would look like if this gathering was both an opportunity to hang out and be social, but also talk about issues... without getting contentious. Ugh. Community is hard!
Completely. Ideally secular, but I have been to community events at the Unitarian Church basement before. And when we were organizing to open the co-op we held events there, so I know they are open to it. I think the village government should open a community run co-work space for residents. A place with lots of open space, break out rooms if needed, strong wifi, and good coffee available if you want it. With daycare provided while you work! Hell throw in a side room with laundry service and it would be near perfect.
I think part of the solution - like a lot of things - is found at the library. I suffer from a similar problem: I work remotely but am childless and so society is not built for me. I have created some part of community through activities, but local community outside of saying "hi" to my neighbors when I walk my dog is something I want to focus on this year.
Back to the library: my library has activities for kids, teens, and adults, of all kinds. Book club. Anime nights. A seed library. Yoga class. Line dancing class. Robot building. (You get the idea.) I think a first step is inviting people you know to do the thing with you. If they don't show, no big deal, you have a chance to meet local people there. Visit your library enough and people start to recognize you.
I do think part of community is showing up. I think it can start with being seen.
Heck yes! The library is truly one of the best resources for community, and a great, welcoming place to start for folks who feel lost. Glad to hear it’s been a fruitful place for you to build relationships!
Yes! I felt so seen by this. I literally tried organizing a last minute, low-key hang out this morning with some local women from church. It felt so vulnerable to ask a group thread and have everyone respond that they already plans. (Makes me want to crawl in a hole and not try again, but I know that's not the way forward.) We do plan things over a month or so in advance and people have or make space for it. I do wish things could happen quickly, on the fly, organically -- but that's not always the case...life is so FULL for some families. Thank you so much for this post!
The problem of being isolated when you have children also happened before social media. But people used to interact with neighbors more, so they felt less isolated. So there was an easy casual sense of being around people, but low commitment. I find the best way to achieve what you’re looking for is with sewing/crafting/gardening groups. Or maybe any hobby. You get together on a Saturday afternoon and do some hand sewing, knit, or just color. Maybe once a month. You can do this in a coffee shop, or at somebody’s house. The craft or hobby relieves the social pressure to make small talk. I found groups on discord in my area. I’m sure FB has some. It’s been huge for me as a single, older person with Long COVID to make casual friends.
Yes! This really struck a chord with me. One additional challenge to showing up is that, given the allure of online (and tv before that), fewer people are showing up in general, which makes things less fun. Wendell Berry talks about how people in his Kentucky hometown used to “visit” with neighbors after dinner— just wander across the field and hang for a while, let the old folks tell the same stories while the kids ran around. When my wife and I started going for walks after dinner in our neighborhood twenty years ago, all we’d see coming out of houses was the blue light of the TV.
Yes, I think this is so true! The way apps and streaming services are designed to keep us hooked and addicted is absolutely a barrier to showing up in real life. They capitalize on the inertia/vulnerability/discomfort many of us already may feel when we're trying to connect and build relationships with people, because that work is hard! But bingeing and scrolling are easy. I kind of miss the days when, if I wanted to watch my favorite TV show, I had to sit down in front of the TV at 8pm, and that was it. Then if I wanted to do something else, I'd either have to pick up a book or find someone to hang out with.
Thanks for sharing! I’ve been living on the edges of my community for the last 5 years. I lost faith in humanity during COVID and then was burned working in public service for county government so I got very scared of meeting new people. But recently I’ve been getting back out there, networking for both business and personal and potentially advocacy purposes. So maybe there’s just seasons for things.
Oh man, I think we all lost a little faith in humanity during COVID, right?! Sounds like you’ve had a tough few years, but I totally agree that there are seasons to our sense of community. It ebbs and flows, and maybe we just need to give ourselves (and others) a little more grace and patience as we try to get back into the flow.
Really enjoyed this one, Liz. Don't worry, we'll ramp up the neighborhood drop-by hangs this year!
Heck yes to the neighborhood drop-by hangs! 🍻 I’m all for more casual opportunities for hangs beyond just the annual block party.
Thank you for this. As a person who gathers folks and has gathered at a large scale, I have been wiped out by it and don’t feel inside it (it feels like a job and checklist not something I feel present in)but I crave community. I am inspired by this to create more intimate gatherings with more intention and real feel of connection. Thank you for putting into my feelings into words.
It’s funny, as someone who is far more often an attendee than a convener, I tend to assume people who plan gatherings are energized and fulfilled by it. This is a good reminder that those of us who don’t usually perform the role of gatherer need to step up, or at least play a better support role. Because I know you’re tired, friend! Maybe 2025 is the year of super chill, low-stakes, joyful hangs… while we also plan a revolution?
100%. All the things. The same. I’m willing to fumble through co-creating a third space here in Oak Park. Would love that.
Right?! We could really use a gathering space that’s open, welcoming and, ideally, doesn’t require people to buy anything. Our library and parks are great, but at least right now, don’t quite seem to fulfill the socializing and getting to know people part of community building.
Circling and circling this concept in my mind. Is there space at the Forest Preserve District headquarters on Harlem? Are there church basements that would feel welcome to all? What about vacant store fronts? Would the village get behind that? What would anyone get behind? Would this need to be a non-profit type thing to open doors and feel legitimate in order to drive cooperation and incentivize participation? What would organically bring people in to foster the “getting to know people part of community building?” And beyond just get the people out and about to stop by. As you noted so many of us are in a post-covid safety bubble and quite content to not venture out. What would inspire the uninspired? I think we instinctually long for the days the community would gather around the fire. Or circle the village square on market days trading stories as much as wares. Grasping at ghosts here. Our modern culture has perfected the multifaceted art of isolation.
Yeah, church basement definitely feels like the vibe I'm thinking of. Something simple and old school. Something that doesn't require permission from the Village or the creation of a formal entity, which often then leads to gatekeeping. But it's a good question - what would really draw people in? I think the tough thing is there's probably no one right answer, but I would also guess if the gathering itself was welcoming and enjoyable, the venue probably wouldn't matter as much (though having it at least be ADA accessible would be ideal). I've been struggling, too, to figure out what it would look like if this gathering was both an opportunity to hang out and be social, but also talk about issues... without getting contentious. Ugh. Community is hard!
Completely. Ideally secular, but I have been to community events at the Unitarian Church basement before. And when we were organizing to open the co-op we held events there, so I know they are open to it. I think the village government should open a community run co-work space for residents. A place with lots of open space, break out rooms if needed, strong wifi, and good coffee available if you want it. With daycare provided while you work! Hell throw in a side room with laundry service and it would be near perfect.